Friday, October 9, 2015

Feeling Beautiful..

Let's face it.

One of the hardest things for us lupies to do is get out of bed.
Let alone, fall asleep.

But when we finally get out the bed, we have to get dressed.

It takes every bit of my energy to brush my teeth, wash my face, shower, and do something remotely neat to my hair. After I've done all the basics, everything else just seems irrelevant. So, with that being said, it's very hard to feel beautiful when you have no energy to put into do all the work to make you look beautiful.

I have lost the confidence of feeling beautiful. I use to go to the nail shop every two weeks, maintain my weight (even just a little), I wasn't a make-up wearing girl, but I'd at least throw on some mascara. All of the things that I use to do to make me feel beautiful I just don't have the energy to do anymore.

Now some things are out of my control, for instance... I've lost hair with my chemotherapy and since I've been diagnosed, I've been on a pill called "prednisone". In a few blogs back, I discussed how hungry that pill makes me... now with hunger comes fat... then with fat comes not being able to fit in your regular clothes... THEN with not being able to fit in your regular clothes comes feeling fat and helpless. YUP! That's the stage I'm at now... FAT & HOPELESS.

Truthfully, I tried the diets that they have out there for lupus patients. I've completely given up red meats and pork, and I try not to eat after 7pm. My weakness is snacking. Throughout the day I snack on fattening things (*sigh* I need to do better) and I never exercise (*sigh* I so need to do better) it's just I put all my energy into going to work and when I get off work I am dead beat tired.  (Shout out to all us lupies that are getting up going to work! It's HARD!)

I also suffer from the butterfly rash that likes to show up during the worst times. And let's face it, we live in a society were you are completely judged on how you look. Can you imagine showing up for a job interview or going anywhere with this on your face..

I'm looking in the mirror every day noticing the change that my body is going through and it's the ugliest thing to see. I swear, I try to avoid all mirrors at all cost. I try to tell myself, "Girl, you are wearing that dress!", or "Girl, you're smokin' hot in that outfit!"..., it's really hard to have that confidence when in reality I know what I use to look and feel like before I was diagnosed.

What's a girl to do?